What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 09:20
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do some people have loving parents and some do not?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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What did i know ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i do to all so called friends.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
How many Russians really understand the state they live in?
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My family never makes their pension either.
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was 9 years of age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So, i spoilt her more .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i lived it daily.
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it wasn’t much.
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was in good health!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was very sick at this time too.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why did i forgive my father ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,